My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
