peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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