Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
