I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
