hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
