She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
