it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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