I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
