i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
