I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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