The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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