i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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