My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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