I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
