I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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