my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
