someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
