Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
