Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
