i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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