In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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