what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Randomize