My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
