Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
