Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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