Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
