I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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