My first STD was from a foam party
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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