Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
