sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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