Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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