If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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