I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize