Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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