I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
