Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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