So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize