shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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