apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
