dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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