im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize