i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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