Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
