Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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