Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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