I faked an abortion last night.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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