if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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