News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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