I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
