I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
