Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
