does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
it glows. i had to have it.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
