just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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