If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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