I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize