this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
