my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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