probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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