he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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