Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
