Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Dignity is for republicans.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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