We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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