between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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