Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
