omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize