I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
